Johnny Riot

Age: 3 weeks, give or take
Sex: Male, last time I checked
Race: Soulspawn
D.o.B.: Tuesday? No, no it was definitely a Monday
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 180 lbs, ugh I need to cut out the carbs
Hair Color & Style: Black, the term "rat's nest" would probably be appropriate
Eye Color: Reddish bluish brownish gray with a hint of purplish gold- what do you mean "black"? Fuck off.
Birthplace: Under a tree made of bacon atop a mountain of orphan skulls in the land of the Wombat King. In space.
Orientation: If its got eyeholes I'll fuck 'em
Weapon: Rulebreaker- A 2½-foot war axe with a flared blade. Constructed of a single piece of dense metal it weighs nearly forty pounds and, despite having a jagged, chipped edge, it is sharp enough to cleave flesh and bone with ease. A twenty foot chain is connected to the haft with a fist-sized spiked weight at its opposite end.
Being comprised of an aggregation of souls, Rulebreaker grants its wielder the ability to manipulate spiritual energy and turn it into destructive force and the power to use portals to travel through the avatar realm (though this is difficult for a mortal to do).
History: I used to be a plumber in Brooklyn until I was sucked down a giant green pipe and transported to the Mushroom Kingdom. The mushroom people told me their Princess had been kidnapped by a giant spiky turtle guy named Bowser and- hey, are you gonna eat that donut? Yeah? Come on, just give me half. Tch, fine, I didn't want it anyway. Where was I? Oh right...
So there I was, a futuristic boy robot forced to don the armor of a hero in order to fight the six Robot Masters created by my father Doctor Light and reprogrammed to commit crimes by the evil Doctor Wily. I headed out with my faithful robot dog Rush and- what? What princess? The hell are you talking about? Damnit, now you made me lose my train of thought again.
Right, so as I was saying, I got a wooden sword from a man in a cave and I set out across Hyrule to collect the pieces of the Trifor- no, no, shut up. I'm 100 percent sure that's NOT the plot of the Legend of Zelda, and I'll thank you to stop interrupting my story.
So anyway, I was deep in the caverns of the planet Zebes gunning down hordes of space pirates as I made my way further into their base. It was up to me, a lone bounty hunter, to destroy the Metroids and save the galaxy. Wait, where are you going? Come on, don't leave, I was just getting to the best pa-